Monday, August 11, 2008

{I feel brok-en}

For some strange reason, I am really agitated with the life I'm living right now. There are numerous emotions over-powering my mind, heart & soul. The painful bloody feeling of a sharp edged knife piercing into my heart and down into my chest that makes each breathe so difficult to breath is just heart wrenching. I keep begging myself to make the right choices and the right decisions but apparently, this does not always work out for me. I just can't make informed choices! Why do i always choose the wrong path? The ironic thing is, in life, the choices are always up to you, both good and bad choices but why do i always fall under the bad choices? Why! I just can't bring myself to proclaim anything!

For the record, i really hate everything that is about to take place in my life, the changes and things i have to start and learn to adapt to. It's just so terribly wrong! Why is everybody leaving so quickly? Each important person in my life are just leaving me so slowly, bit by bit. I'm starting to miss so many things in my life now, the every-day laughter is just disappearing into thin air. I want a hot air balloon now that can take me to no where. I want to have a getaway and leave this terrible life. It's too painful for me already and every single time, I'm just bursting into tears. Why does my two brothers have to leave for America to study? And both are leaving on the same month! Why? They're my only siblings, and they'll be gone for a pretty long time and that leaves this big house empty and quiet. And I hate it, i swear i fucking hate it. There're be no one to count on anymore. My parents are way busy with work and their personal life and sometimes, they just simply forget that i even exist. I really wish i have somebody i can talk to, someone to confide to, a guardian angel i suppose? To teach me, step by step to accept the reality.

Sometimes, i feel so helpless, why is everyone leaving just like that? Even my friends are leaving, they've moved on and things are different in school now. I really wish i could go back to old times. My best friend, has wiped me entirely out of her life, i really miss her sometimes. But i know, i cannot change the fact that she's gone. I've known her more than half of my life now, 10 out 16 years is a lot for me, we laugh, we cry, we hug, we do almost every single thing together. Those memories, are just coming back to haunt me, i know it's reality now. Whenever i think about her, i really feel like crying, i don't mind waiting another half my life to be best friends again. I am really not contented to be just friends, really. And there's another good friend, who've been there for me during many troubled times, always standing up for me. But now, things are different, i really miss having recess with her, shopping for stupid and ridiculous items, talking and laughing on the phone and just scolding each other for every stupid little thing we do. Then again, people come and go. It's just too much to take. I really dislike the fact that everybody is leaving. I should have left, instead of being left behind and alone.

I really want to pour out my feelings, it's too much to keep them bottled up. I really want a friend that i can sit down with, share my feelings and just cry so much that this friend can be there to comfort me and talk things out with me. Help me think of a solution to just make my life any better. I guess right now, my blog is my only friend. But how about my friends, where have they gone to? I can't think straight, i don't really know what I'm doing now, my actions just don't apply to my words sometimes. I hate this but still, I'm trapped in this. I really feel that I'm the worst person in the whole wide world, worst daughter, worst sister, worst girlfriend and most of all, a worst friend. I really want to spend quality time with myself, all alone and start thinking hard, what is the purpose of my life? I need to get everything sorted out instead of living everyday confused and miserable. I've no one else to blame except for myself. My ugly pride has taken over my life and it's being such a bitch. This is exactly how I've been feeling behind those smiles you see. But then again, some people really hurt me. Are promises supposed to keep for a lifetime? Are they meant as lifetime promises? How can i trust that you will be able to keep the promises and not betray my trust? I am not getting any stronger, but I'm becoming more fragile. I really don't wish to get hurt by a person who i am going to love, trust and proclaim that he is the one that i want to be with. Will these promises last? Or at least before the change of heart. I guess it all gets better in time.

And take this broken wing and learn to fly,
you were only waiting for this moment to arise..

8/11/2008 05:12:00 PM | back to top

Monday, August 11, 2008

{I feel brok-en}

For some strange reason, I am really agitated with the life I'm living right now. There are numerous emotions over-powering my mind, heart & soul. The painful bloody feeling of a sharp edged knife piercing into my heart and down into my chest that makes each breathe so difficult to breath is just heart wrenching. I keep begging myself to make the right choices and the right decisions but apparently, this does not always work out for me. I just can't make informed choices! Why do i always choose the wrong path? The ironic thing is, in life, the choices are always up to you, both good and bad choices but why do i always fall under the bad choices? Why! I just can't bring myself to proclaim anything!

For the record, i really hate everything that is about to take place in my life, the changes and things i have to start and learn to adapt to. It's just so terribly wrong! Why is everybody leaving so quickly? Each important person in my life are just leaving me so slowly, bit by bit. I'm starting to miss so many things in my life now, the every-day laughter is just disappearing into thin air. I want a hot air balloon now that can take me to no where. I want to have a getaway and leave this terrible life. It's too painful for me already and every single time, I'm just bursting into tears. Why does my two brothers have to leave for America to study? And both are leaving on the same month! Why? They're my only siblings, and they'll be gone for a pretty long time and that leaves this big house empty and quiet. And I hate it, i swear i fucking hate it. There're be no one to count on anymore. My parents are way busy with work and their personal life and sometimes, they just simply forget that i even exist. I really wish i have somebody i can talk to, someone to confide to, a guardian angel i suppose? To teach me, step by step to accept the reality.

Sometimes, i feel so helpless, why is everyone leaving just like that? Even my friends are leaving, they've moved on and things are different in school now. I really wish i could go back to old times. My best friend, has wiped me entirely out of her life, i really miss her sometimes. But i know, i cannot change the fact that she's gone. I've known her more than half of my life now, 10 out 16 years is a lot for me, we laugh, we cry, we hug, we do almost every single thing together. Those memories, are just coming back to haunt me, i know it's reality now. Whenever i think about her, i really feel like crying, i don't mind waiting another half my life to be best friends again. I am really not contented to be just friends, really. And there's another good friend, who've been there for me during many troubled times, always standing up for me. But now, things are different, i really miss having recess with her, shopping for stupid and ridiculous items, talking and laughing on the phone and just scolding each other for every stupid little thing we do. Then again, people come and go. It's just too much to take. I really dislike the fact that everybody is leaving. I should have left, instead of being left behind and alone.

I really want to pour out my feelings, it's too much to keep them bottled up. I really want a friend that i can sit down with, share my feelings and just cry so much that this friend can be there to comfort me and talk things out with me. Help me think of a solution to just make my life any better. I guess right now, my blog is my only friend. But how about my friends, where have they gone to? I can't think straight, i don't really know what I'm doing now, my actions just don't apply to my words sometimes. I hate this but still, I'm trapped in this. I really feel that I'm the worst person in the whole wide world, worst daughter, worst sister, worst girlfriend and most of all, a worst friend. I really want to spend quality time with myself, all alone and start thinking hard, what is the purpose of my life? I need to get everything sorted out instead of living everyday confused and miserable. I've no one else to blame except for myself. My ugly pride has taken over my life and it's being such a bitch. This is exactly how I've been feeling behind those smiles you see. But then again, some people really hurt me. Are promises supposed to keep for a lifetime? Are they meant as lifetime promises? How can i trust that you will be able to keep the promises and not betray my trust? I am not getting any stronger, but I'm becoming more fragile. I really don't wish to get hurt by a person who i am going to love, trust and proclaim that he is the one that i want to be with. Will these promises last? Or at least before the change of heart. I guess it all gets better in time.

And take this broken wing and learn to fly,
you were only waiting for this moment to arise..

8/11/2008 05:12:00 PM | back to top